Developing Emotional Health Workshops

Dr. Jiji Harner has developed a series of experiential workshops to address problems of emotional health commonly seen here in the Philippines.  She integrates her American professional training with her Filipino cultural expertise to address these issues in a unique way.  She has developed a Series of experiential seminars to equip those working with people struggling with mental health issues.  Each of these one-day experiential seminars provides a brief theoretical framework for counseling with explanation of major Do's and Don'ts, as well as specific skill sets and techniques related to the specific emotional struggle being considered.

Equipping Helpers Series

•  How to Help Overcome Depression  -  Caring for the Depressed
• Caring for the Anxious
• Working with Perfectionism and Low Self-Esteem
• Coming Alongside the Grieving

She has also developed the following one-day group counseling and workshops for those who are suffering with any one of these emotional struggles.   The one-day workshops start registration at 8:30 am and begin promptly at 9 am to 4:00 pm.  Lunch is included on site.  The day will consist of 4 sessions.  Each session will consist of approximately 35 minutes of lecture and education about the issue:  its symptoms, its causes and how to overcome it.  The lectures are biblically based and also bring in current psychological information and research to open our understanding of what is really going on inside a person who is struggling.  After the lecture, there will be about 1 hour for participants to process the information in a small group setting.  Questions will be presented to engage participants with information and techniques of the lecture.  The purpose here is for participants to gain self-awareness of how the issue strikes them and its roots, along with skills for self-regulating and self-soothing when they are on their emotional roller coaster.  The group process follows the rule - Invite, not inflict - meaning you are always invited to participate with questions, but never required to or forced to participate.  After the time of group process, there will be a short break before the next session. 

One Day Group Counseling and Workshops

• When Depression Hits Home –  Finding help through my Depression
• Breaking the Power of Anxiety
• Finding Meaning in My Loss
• Help! I’m a Perfectionist - Breaking free from life-controlling perfectionism
• What if I really don’t like myself? - Dealing with my Insecurities

Leading out of an Emotionally Healthy Marriage - Eagles' Leadership Conference 2013 - Singapore

Guest Post by my husband Rick Harner

While in attending Eagles' Leadership Conference 2013 in Singapore, my wife Jiji and I had the opportunity to assist Pastor Pete Scazzero and his wife Geri in their seminar:  Leading out of an Emotionally Healthy Marriage.  The seminar was packed out, and it was quite exciting to be a part of building marriages of couples from many different countries throughout Southeast Asia.  There were translators working in 5 different languages, facilitating the learning and understanding of the material.

Pastor Pete started the day with 3 ideas.  First, marriage is bigger than you think.  Your marriage as a Christian leader impacts future generations of your family and it bears witness to the loving relationship that Christ has with his Church.  Second, marriage is harder than you think.  (I don't think I need to explain this one . . . )  Third, marriage is greater than you think.  When we invest in and build our marriages, they can bring more joy than any other earthly pleasures.

After the inspiring talk, Pastor Pete and Geri demonstrated a Community Temperature Reading (CTR).  This is simple communication tool developed by Virginia Satir designed to be used regularly that increases emotional openness (a vital aspect of bonding) in a relationship.  The CTR is one of the skills presented in Emotionally Healthy Skills 2.0.  After the demonstration was the fun.  Everyone got to try it.  Many different languages sharing things in their hearts with their loved one.  But above the din of languages I did not know, universal languages could be heard:  Laughter, tears, joyful smiles and loving embraces . . .

The next topic was assumptions and mind reading.  Pastor Pete reminded us that we are not to bear false witness against our neighbor.  When we assume we know what someone else is thinking and we are wrong, we are bearing false witness against our neighbor.  And contrary to our favorable opinion of ourselves, when we assume about others, we are frequently wrong in our assumptions.  This hurts people we love, causes conflict and general chaos in relationships.

Another New Life couple Kelly and Shirley Ng traveled from New York to assist and facilitate in the seminar.  They demonstrated the Emotionally Healthy Skill to combat assumptions:  Stop Mind Reading.  In this skill, a partner asks permission:  "Can I 'read your mind'?"  When the other partner gives permission, the first partner proceeds, "I think that you think  . . . .  Is that true?"  To which the 2nd partner can respond either "Yes, that's true," "No, that's not true."  or "That's partially true.  Let me clarify . . . "  This brings hidden assumptions into the open and allows us to let go of assumptions of issues that were bothering us that were not even true.  It also opens a place to discuss issues that are bothering us that we are keeping inside and often assuming the worst.

After their demonstration, couples experimented with the simple tool to replace our natural tendencies to assume things about our loved one. 

After lunch, we worked on speaking and listening.  Geri gave us 4 criteria with which to evaluate and improve our speaking.  Be respectful.  Be honest.  Be clear.  Be timely.  Participants were asked to consider a recent experience of frustrating communication and evaluate.  Then they were asked to form a request to their partner. We had quite a laugh as one volunteer shared that his wife was usually late for lunch.  As Geri coached him, she prodded him with a few questions.  He came to realize that he had not really even given her a time or an expectation, but he just felt like she was always late . . . 

Next, Shirley and Kelly demonstrated the art of Incarnational Listening - to listen at the heart level like Christ did, with empathy, being attuned to another person's words and non-verbal communications.  This was a very moving time as Kelly demonstrated his vulnerability and shared a deep pain with his wife Shirley who listened in a way that communicated a lot of love and support. 

After the participants practiced Incarnational Listening, Jiji and I demonstrated Clean Fighting.  The purpose of clean fighting is to resolve conflict as emotionally healthy adults by eliminating dirty fighting and taking responsibility for the issue.  Jiji confronted me in a very considerate, respectful and loving way with how the mess of my working papers infringe upon her living space (specifically our kitchen table)  It was very interesting and even comical to see as other couples began their own Clean Fights the similarity of themes that couples struggle with.   

The day ended with couples being encouraged to develop their own Marriage Rule of Life.  Basically, they were encouraged and coached to consider and plan practical ways and routines that will build a healthy marriage for the long haul.  We were asked to consider how our personal habits impact our marriage:  overworking, not sleeping enough, poor communication skills . . . These types of things drain us and then we come to our marriage drained with very little to give.  Then we were asked to consider things that we can do together on a regular basis that will breath life into our marriages.  Being married becomes so much a part of us that we can take marriage and our partner for granted, not investing the time and energy we did at the beginning of the relationship.  A healthy marriage requires learned skills, intentionality, time and good will to make things grow.

The seminar was meant to be a seed planted into marriages that will grow, flourish and develop into emotionally healthy marriages of Christian leaders throughout Southeast Asia. 

What Makes Difficult People Difficult?

“My mother is bossing us around,” a client shared with me her embarrassing predicament with her husband.  “My parents came to stay with us five months ago.  What we thought was temporary has become permanent.  My mother tells us what to do.  She criticizes our current setup and moves our things around.  She runs our home, tells our helper what to do and what groceries to buy.  She neither helps in the house, nor financially contributes.  She complains about our situation and compares us with my other siblings.  Although she doesn’t say it, she makes us feel that I owe her everything and it is time for me to pay back (in the Philippines we call this Utang na loob or debt of gratitude)   I tried to talk to my mother to figure out her plan and offer to contribute as she and dad move out, but to no avail.  They both simply do not have any plan to go anywhere.  My husband does not want me to confront my parents because in the past they blamed him.   They made it so difficult for him to be around them, and they spread gossip to all our relatives that my husband is too strict and too stingy.” 

She is dealing with a difficult person. 

                A couple came to counseling asking for help for their 25-year-old daughter who is in her last year of college.  As a college student, her parents have been giving her an allowance equal to the value of the salary of a middle class professional here, along with a live-in house maid and a private driver.   They sought counseling because their daughter is demanding more than they can afford at this time so they are trying to negotiate with her to change some of her pampered lifestyle.  The problem is that the daughter is becoming more demanding, manipulative and obnoxious, threatening them to go wild. 

They are dealing with a difficult person.

I recently read John Townsend’s Handling Difficult People:  What to do when people try to push your buttons. I will summarize some of his thoughts on what makes difficult people difficult and how to cope with them.

                Our greatest struggles happen with the people closest to our hearts:  our spouse, our children, our siblings, our parents, our friends, our churchmates, or our team members.  Many times this person we care about does something that makes us feel uncomfortable or disrespected.  Or perhaps this person constantly pushes his or her way on us.  Our normal tendency is to try to be patient, to go the extra mile, to be a little more understanding, to try to be more loving. . . but deep inside we feel frustrated, disappointed, manipulated and angry.  We feel used and we either withdraw in isolation or retaliate in anger.  Then we feel guilty for getting angry so we try to appease again.  By reacting and then appeasing, we are creating a pendulum pattern.  This becomes a vicious cycle that allows a person’s irresponsible behavior or destructive emotional reaction to continue without consequence.  This person pushes our buttons and we react negatively.  Then we make up for it by being extra kind or overfunctioning so that we will not rock the boat.  Since this situation happens over and over again and the person does not change, we are left feeling hopeless and helpless with no options. 

Living with a difficult person is painful and very stressful so many people give up in this kind of relationship too easily or too soon.  (**In case you are involved in a violent relationship you need to physically remove yourself from the situation in order to deal with your problem in this relationship safely.)  Others stay in this relationship feeling unloved and victimized and stuck with no better option than to “suck it up,” be strong and keep loving in this appeasing way. 

When I asked the two couples I mentioned at the beginning of this post, “Why is it so hard to deal with these difficult people?”  Both couple answered, “We don’t want to hurt their feelings.  We don’t want them to think we don’t understand and that we don’t care.”  Probing further I asked, “But do they care how much their demands and hurtful behavior affect you and how it causes significant stress in your marital relationship and compounds your financial struggles?”  Both couples said, “No, they seem oblivious to our pain.” 

What makes difficult people so difficult? 

Let’s make an analogy between a person and a tree.  In Matthew 7:17, Jesus said, “Every good tree bears good fruit but a bad tree bears bad fruit.”  According to Townsend, the character is the root and the behavior is the fruit (symptoms) of the problem.  The person’s character is the set of abilities, attributes and traits one needs in order to meet the demands of life.  On the other hand, the person’s behavior is the action or reaction in response to the situations of life.  Here are 6 basic aspects of character suggested by Townsend that that together would mark a person of good character. 

1. The person of good character has the ability to sustain meaningful relationships.
2. The person of good character knows how to take responsibility and have self-control in his or her life.
3. The person of good character lives in the reality of his or her own imperfections and is able to accept and embrace the imperfections of other people around them.
4. The person of good character is able to work and do tasks competently and interdependently.
5. The person of good character has an internal moral structure.
6. The person of good character has a transcendent spiritual life 

What makes a person difficult is when the person, though having the capability to sustain meaningful relationship, chooses to control other people or is so insecure that he or she drives other people away.  Because of painful past experiences or being too pampered, they have developed poor interpersonal skills.  These people have been wired to keep others at a distance as a result of their painful past relationship experiences.  They try to control people for fear that what happened to them in the past will happen again in a new relationship.  Some have experienced severe emotional starvation so that they have become overly possessive and envious. Their painful past experiences (together with their response to those experiences) have caused these people to become envious with a feeling of entitlement and emotionally stuck. 

Others become difficult people because of immaturity.  They tend to avoid taking responsibility or owning any part of the problem or issue that affects others.  They do not see the need to change because they have not experienced the consequences of their behavior.  They are comfortable and benefiting much even though their behavior is maladaptive.  Some may believe there is nothing wrong with them because this is simply who they are.  Most are so accustomed to living this way that they have become unaware and numb to the hurts pain they are causing others.  They think that life revolves around them.  They feel entitled and believe they have the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want.  They expect others to be patient with them and accept them, but they do not try to reciprocate that love, acceptance and concern that they are receiving.  If you try to confront them, they will accuse you of punishing them or making things hard for them.  They tend to blame you or anyone else, but will never take the blame on themselves.  They may be mean in order to intimidate others and force them to be responsible for them.  Those around them may become codependent and overfunction in order to keep the peace until they become physically, emotionally and financially exhausted.  The character problem of this person has been allowed to continue for so long that they have has lost their sense of morality.  They may believe in God and go to church, but spiritually they do not understand the faith that they profess to believe.  There is no evidence of a transformed life as those who have truly experienced God.  Some of them have medical, psychiatric or spiritual problems that influence their behavior.

According to Townsend, the only thing that can make difficult people change is pain. When their dysfunctional behavior and maladaptive emotional reactions bring them discomfort, only then will they choose to change. 

So what are things I can do if I am in relationship with a difficult person?  That will be the subject of my next post.

Daniel Siegel on the Triangle of Well-Being

Dr. Siegel introduces a case where a young girl has come to him for psychotherapy because she is no longer speaking in school.  

In this lecture, Dr. Daniel Siegel discusses the function of the middle prefrontal cortex.  There are 9 functions of the body that are controlled in that area. 

1. Regulating your body.
2. Attuning to other people
3. Providing emotional balance
4. Extinguishing fear from learned events like traumas
5. Providing the ability to pause before you act
6. Empathy
7. Insight – (Where you are now, where you’ve been in the past, where you’re going in the future)
8. Morality 

• These first 8 functions are developed in children through secure attachment with their parents

9. Intuition – having access to the processes of the body

• The 9^th function is developed through the ancient practice of mindfulness (for Christians this is prayer, self-reflection and meditation) 

According to Dr. Siegel, 3 entities go into a triangle of well-being:

1. Relationships
2. Brain – extended nervous system
3. Mind

The proper care and development of each of these 3 entities is absolutely necessary for an individual to grow into healthy adulthood.   All 3 of these are separate, but interdependent.  They can impact and be impacted by the others.  Though behaviorists would argue that the mind is only the activity of the brain, it has become more clear through research that the mind can impact the formation and structure of the brain.  Development of these 3 is critical in child development, but there is always opportunity for growth and change.  Because of neuroplasticity, even ‘hardened’ and ‘traumatized’ adults can grow and change though it is not an easy or natural process as it can be in child development.

One application of Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  is that by meditating and concentrating on things that are good, we can reconfigure our brains from the dysfunctional neural pathways created by traumatic experiences.

In the video, Dr. Siegel uses his hand to model the structure of the brain.  Because of its location, the middle prefrontal cortex links the cortex, brain stem, the body proper, limbic area, the neo-cortex and the signals from other people’s nervous systems.  This area of the brain coordinates all of these areas and integrates them as differentiated parts into an integrated whole.

Dr. Siegel proposes that shaping toward mental health is shaping toward integration.  Before integration, we must promote differentiation in relationships, differentiation in our mental experience and differentiation in our nervous system.  Then we must shape toward connecting these differentiated components to create more complex yet harmonious ways of functioning (integration).

Some nice food for thought for parents and educators:  Dr. Siegel suggests that the 4^th R (in addition to Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic) in education should be Reflection.  He adds Relationships and Resilience as the 5^th and 6^th R’s needed for children to grow into mental health.

Questions for Discussion:

1. What impact did the accident have on the mother’s personality?
2. What impact did the mother’s personality change have on her daughter?
3. Providing emotional balance takes place in the middle prefrontal cortex.  What does emotional balance look like?  How can you tell if someone is emotionally balanced?
4. What does attunement look like?  What are some differences between an individual who is attuned to others and someone who is not?
5. What does the brain require for healthy growth?
6. What is the meaning of neuroplasticity?  Why is neuroplasticity important for mental health workers assisting those who have suffered serious trauma?

Going Deeper:

1. By understanding neuroplasticity, how can we help a child whose mother has lost the ability to attune?
2. How can the mother develop new neural pathways even though she has damage to the middle prefrontal cortex?   Is this an easy process?
3. In his definition of mental health, Dr. Siegel says that we need differentiation before integration.  Why do you think that is?

Breaking the Power of Anxiety

Breaking the Power of Anxiety

December 14, 2013

8:30 am -4:00 pm

at Baptist Theological College

AS Fortuna, Mandaue 

Cost P200 (covers materials and lunch)

This seminar is meant to help people struggling with anxiety.  If you have a friend struggling with anxiety, it is also nice to attend together with them.  The day will have 4 sessions.  Each session will have 40 minute psycho-education followed by 1 hour group therapy time.

Review of Emotionally Healthy Woman in Singapore

Last month my husband and I spent a week in Singapore assisting Pete & Geri Scazzero as they shared the wisdom of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality with leaders from all over Southeast Asia.  Eagles Leadership Institute hosted the Scazzeros as they presented different components of EHS over 4 days.  Pete & Geri invited Kelly & Shirly Ng and my husband & I to demonstrate skills and facilitate group processes during the experiential seminars.   I was privileged to assist Geri as she challenged the audience to stop pretending everything is fine and change their lives.  Geri described her experience as a pastor’s wife whose life was overfull and out of control in her book Emotionally Healthy Woman.  Through her experience she learned that she needed to “Quit” many unhealthy habits to regain control of her life and joy in her ministry.  Geri identifies 8 different unhealthy habits that need to be given up in order to find one’s God-given path.  She challenged the ladies (and some men) in attendance to begin a journey toward emotional health in the midst of tremendous pressures they face in their lives and ministries.  Personal application of the Biblical truth described in Emotionally Healthy Woman requires a paradigm shift from cultural and worldly norms to living life God’s way. 

The point that really caught people’s attention and reaction is the Quit being afraid of what others think.  Geri was asked lots of questions during this session probably because this poses a much greater challenge in Asian Culture compared to Western culture.  Although Geri showed how this is also a struggle in Western cultures, the reaction of the group was quite strong.  You could see the puzzle in the faces of the participants.  “If I quit being afraid of what others think – then who will I become?”

Asian cultures have a strong tendency to listen and pay attention to significant people around them.  Some cultural norms include ancestor worship, karma and beliefs that you can easily be cursed if you displease someone. These cultures teach the value of oneness and group loyalty: “we are one and we belong to each other.”  The desire to please and submit to authority has been inculcated in our minds.  To undo this tendency is almost impossible because it is considered disrespectful, bad and ungodly to not do what those around you expect of you.  To varying degrees Asian cultures tend to be other-directed, thinking:  “How will others view my actions?”  Instead of self-directed:  “What do I think of my action?”  People in Asian cultures tend to be more sensitive to how others are affected by their behavior.   They tend to want to align their behavior to keep order and are even willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of the group.  If they are to quit being afraid of what other thinks of them, it will shatter the cultural norm of altruism and being loving and shake the very core of who they are. 

In Filipino culture families prefer to live close to each other.  Among Filipinos (whether Chinese, Muslim or Christian), it is common to see families live in one compound or one house.  In-laws have to live with the expectations their husband’s family of origin.  Singles do not leave their parents and are under the authority and approval of their parents for everything. 

It is normal to hear parents tell their children, “If you do that, what will others think of us?” The shame is too much to bear so they avoid anything that will bring shame to themselves and shame to others.  Filipinos try to be experts of sensing the social weather.  Therefore they can constantly shift and must be alert to detect when the social mood changes.  You need to be able to read people’s minds and be able to deliver what people want even before it is asked. 

In fact it is safe to say that people are suffering from a phobia of what will people think.  They will even give up a better position, privileges and personal freedom if they think that it will elicit negative thoughts toward them.  For example: My neighbor, who was a manager, lost her job and had been out of work for several years.  Recently a friend helped her find a job where she worked.  Because of her experience and competence she was offered a higher position, but she refused to accept the position because the friend who helped her get the job was not getting the same privilege.  She preferred to stay in a lower position with less compensation because she was afraid that her co-worker would think she is “mukhang pera” (money face - greedy).  Though she would imagine life would be easier if she took the offer, she is also very happy she did not because she cannot bear the pain of the thought of her friend thinking bad about her.   

In spite of some resistance, the audience was convinced that even though it is a cultural norm, it is not Biblical to be controlled by what others think and it is not how God intended us to live.  Geri carefully made the distinction that to quit being afraid of what people think is not to forget or ignore the very self that God created in you.  God created you, with a self that feels, thinks and values something.  God is coming to you through the movement of your heart.  What you feel and think and how you react matter to God.  It is important to consider what people think and how they will react.  To have some fear of what others think of you is normal.  However, to be driven by such fear is detrimental to your personhood and your relationship to these people.  Only when your identity is firmly grounded in the love of God will you have the power to resist the temptation of getting validation of your “okayness” from the approval of other people.  

To become an emotionally healthy woman, there are things we do that we need to stop doing.  Quitting those things that are damaging to our souls is the path to true freedom and becoming the very person God created you to be.  Quitting takes a tremendous amount of courage.  Only the soul whose identity is founded in the love of God will take the risk to attempt the impossible mission to quit being being afraid of what people think.

For more information on The Emotionally Healthy Woman book, clink the link below:  

http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/