Your Role in Making a Difficult Person Difficult - When Dealing with Your Difficult Person, Don’t Overfunction

This is part 2 in my review of John Townsend’s Handling Difficult People:  What to do when people try to push your buttons.

My wife asks me to cook for her, massage her, and fetch her a drink.  If I don’t do what she asks, she will sulk for days.  I am feeling used and manipulated to do what she wants.  I feel like I have no choice.  To keep the peace, I yield to her constant demands for my time to do things for her.  I am concerned that if I stop doing these little things for her, we will fight and she will keep me at a distance for too long.  I feel lonely and in pain.  She is too strong for me to stop.  I am thinking of our 4 kids. I don’t want them to be exposed to heated discussions, bickering, and my wife running away from home.

When you hear this story, you might feel pity for the person sharing their problem and feel irritated with the difficult person who is taking advantage of them.  We might see the person as a victim who has no option in the relationship.   We might see the difficult person as the whole problem.  However, the difficult behavior of the difficult person does not exist in a vacuum and we must consider the whole system of relationships in order to understand why the difficult person continues to behave in this way.  There are things that we do that will reinforce the difficult behavior.  Many times the difficult person has people in their lives that are very “caring” and “loving” toward them and willing to sacrifice for themselves for the difficult person.  But they are also afraid of conflict and not willing to confront the difficult person strongly and allow him or her to feel the true consequences of their behavior “because they care too much.” 

But the only way that the person will begin to change is feel those consequences, and feel them for a long time to the point where they realize they are no longer going to be rescued by that “caring” individual.  Difficult people will not change their behavior on their own out of a good heart.  So if they will not change, who will change?  Whoever is uncomfortable is the one that needs to change and must seek to create healthy space for himself or herself. 

So when the difficult person displays toxic behavior, instead of being caught in an ambush of her mood swings and feeling out of control and angry about yourself or feeling guilty for giving in when this difficult person displays her toxic behavior, you need to be able to be aware of the discomfort you are experiencing and evaluate the situation.  Difficult people have the tendency to push you until you break, then blame you for victimizing them.  This is their strategy to make you feel responsible for their problem by making you reap what you did not sow.   We feel manipulated, guilty, angry, helpless and hopeless to change our situation. 

We have proven many times that when we do things to pacify the situation, it does not yield a good and lasting change.  Many times in our feelings of helplessness we simply deny our reality and hope that the problem will simply go away.  We try to understand, cover up or even lie for them, hoping that they will see our effort and in turn, they will consider our feelings.  But when our hope does not come true, we get angry and threaten them or we completely give up on them.  By doing this, we become part of the problem.

Townsend gives very good advice in dealing with this kind of situation: 

1.  Identify your inability to separate yourself from this difficult person.  His thoughts, feelings, and actions are his.  Since it is his, he is completely responsible for it and completely in control of it.  You and he are completely different persons even if you are twins or he is your spouse.

2.  Pause for a moment; evaluate the situation; differentiate yourself; identify you goal; and plan your course of action.

 

3.  Take a specific behavior & examine it:  How severe is the problematic behavior? Then rate it. 

• Not very severe (annoying but not damaging and only occurs sometimes)
• Moderately severe (happens often causing prolonged chaos)
• Extremely severe and urgent (Infrequent but violent; or the person is enraged much of the time)

4.  Evaluate the person’s sense of personal responsibility.  Then rate it:

• Minimal problem – the person response accepts and change the behavior
• More serious problem – when the person accepts but makes excuses or minimizes it. 
• Severe problem – when the person is unaware and blames others.

5.  Be aware that there is a big difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”  Difficult people tend to confuse these.  They would say, “I can’t.” when they actually mean they won’t.

“I can’t” means the person really has no ability. 

“I won’t” means the person is simply resistant. 

6.  Empower them by teaching them what to do and how to do it once or twice.  Then let them do it themselves.  Be consistent and stand on your ground.  Do NOT do things for them because you are happy this time or because it makes them have a good attitude (That is manipulation and they will manipulate you back) Do not nag or remind the difficult person what to do – he knows what to do and how to do it right.  (You already showed him and taught him.  Also, he has already done it himself before when he was in the mood).

Examples: 

If your mother is staying in your house and constantly complains about your situation and change the way you run your house.  It is important that you consider the validity of her comments and concern.  She might be giving you better ideas about life and discipline.  Comparing you to your other siblings and accusing your husband of something he did not do is really not acceptable and must be confronted.  Be careful the way you do this because it will cause a heated argument.  This requires some communication skill and self-control not fall into the trap of guilt tripping.  Even when you approach it slowly difficult people has a hard-time accepting the possibility that they could be wrong….

If your 17-year-old daughter refuses to cook, then don’t cook for her so that she does not have a good cooked meal to eat.  If she did not clean her room, let her room stink.  Do not cover it up.  Do not be afraid of what other people say.  Do not clean it yourself or let the maid or helper clean for her. 

If your son is already 7 years old and refuses to feed himself, then let him go without eating.  When he is hungry, he will decide to feed himself.  (This is very common here in the Philippines because we spoon feed children even when they are older.) If he cries or pouts give him space for his emotion and let him deal with it.  But do not allow any tantrums or damaging of property. 

We might tend to nag because we believe that this difficult person needs to be reminded to do the right thing.  However the problem is, they don’t see what you are doing, instead they see you as controlling.  They may be reminded of an authority figure like their mom or dad that they did not function well with and regress into a childish state and rebel against your authority.  

Loving and enabling are not the same thing.  Love can be very kind and caring, but have zero tolerance toward irresponsibility, selfishness and manipulation.  On the other hand, enabling allows the person to get away with their misbehavior while protecting them from the pain that their misbehavior causes.  When you are enabling, you may do what they ask of you when you are in their presence, but deep inside you want them out of your life or may even have developed a hatred against them. 

The transformation of a difficult person requires the whole system to change.  It starts with you (the one who is bothered) restraining yourself from over-functioning and enabling their immature behavior.  When you choose to stop over-functioning, you will engage in a real battle for a while, but it is very important that you are consistent and do not over-function.  Instead allow this person to reap the consequence of his behavior.  The goal is not to punish them.  And you don’t want to quit on them.  Instead the goal is to help them develop a maturity that is appropriate for their age and expected developmental tasks.  If you over-function for them, you will cripple them and set them up for failure. 

For example:  A parent may really value the education of their child.  The parent always helps with homework and sometimes ends up taking over.  The student gets good grades on his projects, but is not learning how to be a good student.  When the students goes away to college, he may not have the perseverance necessary to finish difficult assignments because he never hard to before. 

In short, it takes a lot of hard-work and self-discipline to restrain yourself.  Be committed that you will not be a part of problem by separating yourself and holding this difficult person accountable to choose good behavior.  It is a temptation to jump back into the cycle when they are showing progress because you think the problem is over now.  Be sure to find ways to reward them fully with praise, appreciation and encouragement, but DO NOT begin to take on their responsibility again (this would sabotage their recovery).  This kind of discipline will bring about emotional health, personal growth and maturity.  If they are less than 18 years old, it is your responsibility to make them follow your household rules and the order of your home.  If they are above 18, they are already capable of feeding and supporting themselves and they can live on their own and have their own personal rules if they do not want to abide by your rules.

To be gracious and kind is what we desire, so as we wait and expect this difficult person to change we also provide space, time, and more affirmation when they achieve the desired behaviors. 

What Makes Difficult People Difficult?

“My mother is bossing us around,” a client shared with me her embarrassing predicament with her husband.  “My parents came to stay with us five months ago.  What we thought was temporary has become permanent.  My mother tells us what to do.  She criticizes our current setup and moves our things around.  She runs our home, tells our helper what to do and what groceries to buy.  She neither helps in the house, nor financially contributes.  She complains about our situation and compares us with my other siblings.  Although she doesn’t say it, she makes us feel that I owe her everything and it is time for me to pay back (in the Philippines we call this Utang na loob or debt of gratitude)   I tried to talk to my mother to figure out her plan and offer to contribute as she and dad move out, but to no avail.  They both simply do not have any plan to go anywhere.  My husband does not want me to confront my parents because in the past they blamed him.   They made it so difficult for him to be around them, and they spread gossip to all our relatives that my husband is too strict and too stingy.” 

She is dealing with a difficult person. 

                A couple came to counseling asking for help for their 25-year-old daughter who is in her last year of college.  As a college student, her parents have been giving her an allowance equal to the value of the salary of a middle class professional here, along with a live-in house maid and a private driver.   They sought counseling because their daughter is demanding more than they can afford at this time so they are trying to negotiate with her to change some of her pampered lifestyle.  The problem is that the daughter is becoming more demanding, manipulative and obnoxious, threatening them to go wild. 

They are dealing with a difficult person.

I recently read John Townsend’s Handling Difficult People:  What to do when people try to push your buttons. I will summarize some of his thoughts on what makes difficult people difficult and how to cope with them.

                Our greatest struggles happen with the people closest to our hearts:  our spouse, our children, our siblings, our parents, our friends, our churchmates, or our team members.  Many times this person we care about does something that makes us feel uncomfortable or disrespected.  Or perhaps this person constantly pushes his or her way on us.  Our normal tendency is to try to be patient, to go the extra mile, to be a little more understanding, to try to be more loving. . . but deep inside we feel frustrated, disappointed, manipulated and angry.  We feel used and we either withdraw in isolation or retaliate in anger.  Then we feel guilty for getting angry so we try to appease again.  By reacting and then appeasing, we are creating a pendulum pattern.  This becomes a vicious cycle that allows a person’s irresponsible behavior or destructive emotional reaction to continue without consequence.  This person pushes our buttons and we react negatively.  Then we make up for it by being extra kind or overfunctioning so that we will not rock the boat.  Since this situation happens over and over again and the person does not change, we are left feeling hopeless and helpless with no options. 

Living with a difficult person is painful and very stressful so many people give up in this kind of relationship too easily or too soon.  (**In case you are involved in a violent relationship you need to physically remove yourself from the situation in order to deal with your problem in this relationship safely.)  Others stay in this relationship feeling unloved and victimized and stuck with no better option than to “suck it up,” be strong and keep loving in this appeasing way. 

When I asked the two couples I mentioned at the beginning of this post, “Why is it so hard to deal with these difficult people?”  Both couple answered, “We don’t want to hurt their feelings.  We don’t want them to think we don’t understand and that we don’t care.”  Probing further I asked, “But do they care how much their demands and hurtful behavior affect you and how it causes significant stress in your marital relationship and compounds your financial struggles?”  Both couples said, “No, they seem oblivious to our pain.” 

What makes difficult people so difficult? 

Let’s make an analogy between a person and a tree.  In Matthew 7:17, Jesus said, “Every good tree bears good fruit but a bad tree bears bad fruit.”  According to Townsend, the character is the root and the behavior is the fruit (symptoms) of the problem.  The person’s character is the set of abilities, attributes and traits one needs in order to meet the demands of life.  On the other hand, the person’s behavior is the action or reaction in response to the situations of life.  Here are 6 basic aspects of character suggested by Townsend that that together would mark a person of good character. 

1. The person of good character has the ability to sustain meaningful relationships.
2. The person of good character knows how to take responsibility and have self-control in his or her life.
3. The person of good character lives in the reality of his or her own imperfections and is able to accept and embrace the imperfections of other people around them.
4. The person of good character is able to work and do tasks competently and interdependently.
5. The person of good character has an internal moral structure.
6. The person of good character has a transcendent spiritual life 

What makes a person difficult is when the person, though having the capability to sustain meaningful relationship, chooses to control other people or is so insecure that he or she drives other people away.  Because of painful past experiences or being too pampered, they have developed poor interpersonal skills.  These people have been wired to keep others at a distance as a result of their painful past relationship experiences.  They try to control people for fear that what happened to them in the past will happen again in a new relationship.  Some have experienced severe emotional starvation so that they have become overly possessive and envious. Their painful past experiences (together with their response to those experiences) have caused these people to become envious with a feeling of entitlement and emotionally stuck. 

Others become difficult people because of immaturity.  They tend to avoid taking responsibility or owning any part of the problem or issue that affects others.  They do not see the need to change because they have not experienced the consequences of their behavior.  They are comfortable and benefiting much even though their behavior is maladaptive.  Some may believe there is nothing wrong with them because this is simply who they are.  Most are so accustomed to living this way that they have become unaware and numb to the hurts pain they are causing others.  They think that life revolves around them.  They feel entitled and believe they have the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want.  They expect others to be patient with them and accept them, but they do not try to reciprocate that love, acceptance and concern that they are receiving.  If you try to confront them, they will accuse you of punishing them or making things hard for them.  They tend to blame you or anyone else, but will never take the blame on themselves.  They may be mean in order to intimidate others and force them to be responsible for them.  Those around them may become codependent and overfunction in order to keep the peace until they become physically, emotionally and financially exhausted.  The character problem of this person has been allowed to continue for so long that they have has lost their sense of morality.  They may believe in God and go to church, but spiritually they do not understand the faith that they profess to believe.  There is no evidence of a transformed life as those who have truly experienced God.  Some of them have medical, psychiatric or spiritual problems that influence their behavior.

According to Townsend, the only thing that can make difficult people change is pain. When their dysfunctional behavior and maladaptive emotional reactions bring them discomfort, only then will they choose to change. 

So what are things I can do if I am in relationship with a difficult person?  That will be the subject of my next post.