What Makes Difficult People Difficult?

“My mother is bossing us around,” a client shared with me her embarrassing predicament with her husband.  “My parents came to stay with us five months ago.  What we thought was temporary has become permanent.  My mother tells us what to do.  She criticizes our current setup and moves our things around.  She runs our home, tells our helper what to do and what groceries to buy.  She neither helps in the house, nor financially contributes.  She complains about our situation and compares us with my other siblings.  Although she doesn’t say it, she makes us feel that I owe her everything and it is time for me to pay back (in the Philippines we call this Utang na loob or debt of gratitude)   I tried to talk to my mother to figure out her plan and offer to contribute as she and dad move out, but to no avail.  They both simply do not have any plan to go anywhere.  My husband does not want me to confront my parents because in the past they blamed him.   They made it so difficult for him to be around them, and they spread gossip to all our relatives that my husband is too strict and too stingy.” 

She is dealing with a difficult person. 

                A couple came to counseling asking for help for their 25-year-old daughter who is in her last year of college.  As a college student, her parents have been giving her an allowance equal to the value of the salary of a middle class professional here, along with a live-in house maid and a private driver.   They sought counseling because their daughter is demanding more than they can afford at this time so they are trying to negotiate with her to change some of her pampered lifestyle.  The problem is that the daughter is becoming more demanding, manipulative and obnoxious, threatening them to go wild. 

They are dealing with a difficult person.

I recently read John Townsend’s Handling Difficult People:  What to do when people try to push your buttons. I will summarize some of his thoughts on what makes difficult people difficult and how to cope with them.

                Our greatest struggles happen with the people closest to our hearts:  our spouse, our children, our siblings, our parents, our friends, our churchmates, or our team members.  Many times this person we care about does something that makes us feel uncomfortable or disrespected.  Or perhaps this person constantly pushes his or her way on us.  Our normal tendency is to try to be patient, to go the extra mile, to be a little more understanding, to try to be more loving. . . but deep inside we feel frustrated, disappointed, manipulated and angry.  We feel used and we either withdraw in isolation or retaliate in anger.  Then we feel guilty for getting angry so we try to appease again.  By reacting and then appeasing, we are creating a pendulum pattern.  This becomes a vicious cycle that allows a person’s irresponsible behavior or destructive emotional reaction to continue without consequence.  This person pushes our buttons and we react negatively.  Then we make up for it by being extra kind or overfunctioning so that we will not rock the boat.  Since this situation happens over and over again and the person does not change, we are left feeling hopeless and helpless with no options. 

Living with a difficult person is painful and very stressful so many people give up in this kind of relationship too easily or too soon.  (**In case you are involved in a violent relationship you need to physically remove yourself from the situation in order to deal with your problem in this relationship safely.)  Others stay in this relationship feeling unloved and victimized and stuck with no better option than to “suck it up,” be strong and keep loving in this appeasing way. 

When I asked the two couples I mentioned at the beginning of this post, “Why is it so hard to deal with these difficult people?”  Both couple answered, “We don’t want to hurt their feelings.  We don’t want them to think we don’t understand and that we don’t care.”  Probing further I asked, “But do they care how much their demands and hurtful behavior affect you and how it causes significant stress in your marital relationship and compounds your financial struggles?”  Both couples said, “No, they seem oblivious to our pain.” 

What makes difficult people so difficult? 

Let’s make an analogy between a person and a tree.  In Matthew 7:17, Jesus said, “Every good tree bears good fruit but a bad tree bears bad fruit.”  According to Townsend, the character is the root and the behavior is the fruit (symptoms) of the problem.  The person’s character is the set of abilities, attributes and traits one needs in order to meet the demands of life.  On the other hand, the person’s behavior is the action or reaction in response to the situations of life.  Here are 6 basic aspects of character suggested by Townsend that that together would mark a person of good character. 

1. The person of good character has the ability to sustain meaningful relationships.
2. The person of good character knows how to take responsibility and have self-control in his or her life.
3. The person of good character lives in the reality of his or her own imperfections and is able to accept and embrace the imperfections of other people around them.
4. The person of good character is able to work and do tasks competently and interdependently.
5. The person of good character has an internal moral structure.
6. The person of good character has a transcendent spiritual life 

What makes a person difficult is when the person, though having the capability to sustain meaningful relationship, chooses to control other people or is so insecure that he or she drives other people away.  Because of painful past experiences or being too pampered, they have developed poor interpersonal skills.  These people have been wired to keep others at a distance as a result of their painful past relationship experiences.  They try to control people for fear that what happened to them in the past will happen again in a new relationship.  Some have experienced severe emotional starvation so that they have become overly possessive and envious. Their painful past experiences (together with their response to those experiences) have caused these people to become envious with a feeling of entitlement and emotionally stuck. 

Others become difficult people because of immaturity.  They tend to avoid taking responsibility or owning any part of the problem or issue that affects others.  They do not see the need to change because they have not experienced the consequences of their behavior.  They are comfortable and benefiting much even though their behavior is maladaptive.  Some may believe there is nothing wrong with them because this is simply who they are.  Most are so accustomed to living this way that they have become unaware and numb to the hurts pain they are causing others.  They think that life revolves around them.  They feel entitled and believe they have the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want.  They expect others to be patient with them and accept them, but they do not try to reciprocate that love, acceptance and concern that they are receiving.  If you try to confront them, they will accuse you of punishing them or making things hard for them.  They tend to blame you or anyone else, but will never take the blame on themselves.  They may be mean in order to intimidate others and force them to be responsible for them.  Those around them may become codependent and overfunction in order to keep the peace until they become physically, emotionally and financially exhausted.  The character problem of this person has been allowed to continue for so long that they have has lost their sense of morality.  They may believe in God and go to church, but spiritually they do not understand the faith that they profess to believe.  There is no evidence of a transformed life as those who have truly experienced God.  Some of them have medical, psychiatric or spiritual problems that influence their behavior.

According to Townsend, the only thing that can make difficult people change is pain. When their dysfunctional behavior and maladaptive emotional reactions bring them discomfort, only then will they choose to change. 

So what are things I can do if I am in relationship with a difficult person?  That will be the subject of my next post.