Counseling is a learning process where an objective and empathic listener provides unconditional acceptance and confidentiality that allows the hurting person to have space, time, and safety to examine personal issues, grieve over their losses, and embrace private pain. It is also a place where defenses are challenged, maladaptive belief systems are examined and opportunities are provided for corrective emotional experiences. The counselee is encouraged to take responsibility for his or her own behavior and is helped to make better decisions that would bring more fullness of life. The goal of counseling is to help the counselee become what he or she is potentially capable of becoming.
While at Alliance Graduate School of Counseling, I had the
privilege of studying under Dr. John Cheydleur.
In his book Called to Counsel*
(Tyndale, 1999), Dr. Cheydleur addresses 12 specific counseling mistakes that
lay counselors and non-professional Christian counselors tend to make. He also suggests ways to avoid or correct
these mistakes. I will summarize his 12 points
here:
1. Patronizing or Cliché
Responses
A cliché response
is a stereotypical expression that has lost its original meaning and impact
through overuse.
Example:
Counselee: I really struggle with my work. I feel like I give all my time and energy,
but I just don’t feel that my boss cares about me and my family.
Counselor: I think you are just too discouraged – you
have to keep in mind that sweet is the pleasure after pain.
A patronizing
response is an attempt to encourage the counselee by emphasizing the positive. It puts the counselee higher than he is or higher
than what he thinks he can achieve. The
problem is that this is not how he sees himself at that moment (even though
what the counselor sees or has observed may be true.)
Example:
Counselee: I want to quit my job. It is very difficult; I don’t think I can
bear the pressure they are putting on me.
Counselor: I know it is difficult, but you can do it. Don’t you remember you were able to complete
the project that no one else at your job could do?
Explanation: On
the cognitive level these responses makes sense to the well-meaning counselor. However, psychologically the counselee gets
confused because of the incongruence of how others perceive him and how he actually
feels deep inside. For the counselee, it
deepens his struggle. Some counselees would
learn to hide by riding on to the encouraging comment and keeping a mask that shows
that he is strong enough to face the challenges of life instead of admitting
his insecurities and fears.
On a superficial level, these responses seem caring of the
counselor, but on a psychological level, they are an attempt to control and
limit the counselee’s feeling and expression of painful emotions. Because of the inability of the counselor to
understand how to help the person go deeper in examining the problem, they cut
the counselee from the opportunity to express him or herself that could bring
some emotional healing.
How to correct
these mistakes:
Instead of cutting the person off with patronizing or cliché responses, let the person talk. And show that you care by reflecting not only
the content, but also the emotion with which the person is struggling.
2. Questions and Probes Too
Soon
In good counseling practice, the counselee needs to be able
to hear what he feels and thinks about his situation. By bombarding the client with too many
questions (probes), the counselor appears to be an expert on an awareness
level, but on the psychological level, the counselor is very controlling and
overly anxious. By stacking questions,
the counselor prevents the client from discussing areas that are important to
him. Another problem that arises from
asking too many questions is that the counselor might lead the counseling in
the direction the client is not yet ready to face. Probing too soon also inappropriately
narrows the focus of the interview.
How to correct this
mistake:
Instead of
asking so many questions, the counselor should:
·
Pay attention and listen
·
Slow down and allow the client to talk freely
·
Reflect and clarify statements to keep on track
with the counselee’s process.
3. Giving Advice Instead of Lending
Information
A major mistake commonly made by new or untrained counselors
is to confuse the necessary process of introducing
new information to the client with the negative process of giving advice.
When we give advice, we assume the role of an expert. (i.e. “Follow what I say because I know what is
best for you.”) We assume (incorrectly)
that we completely understand the person, his feelings, fears, hesitations, the
nature of his struggle, and the obstacles he will face when following through with
our advice.
Reasons why counselors should NOT give advice:
·
Most of the time when receiving advice the person feels coerced to
follow you and may come to resent you for making him do certain things.
·
Some counselees actually like this because they are so dependent
on other people thinking for their lives that they don’t want to take time to
ponder it on their own. Through advice
giving, the counselor can just reinforce their tendency to not own their own
thoughts and feelings in a way that is required to make a personal decision. The counselor can empower them to blame others
for their lives. Later you hear them say,
“I just followed your advice. Look what
happened…” (and they are implying, “How
do you feel now? You made a mess of my situation.”)
·
Others will listen to the advice of the counselor, but will not do
it. When asked why, they will present an
alibi, like what if it will not work?
How to correct this
mistake:
·
Evaluate
the receptivity of the client before giving new information.
·
Avoid using “you should” statements.
·
Always try to give the counselee two or three alternatives so that he has to
choose for himself what he thinks is the best alternative.
·
It is
always good to process the counselee to see their perspective on the issue.
I will be discussing other
common counseling mistakes in upcoming posts . . .
