What You Need to Know When Seeking Couple's Therapy or Family Counseling

A Counselor’s or Psychologist’s effectiveness in doing psychotherapy lies in their training and field of expertise, as well as skills and years of experience.  It is important to realize that having a degree in psychology or counseling does not make one a competent counselor or psychotherapist. 

Four reasons why it is good to seek the help of a professional counselor or psychotherapist

1)     They are objective and can provide an objective perspective on issues that you are having difficulty discussing with each other.

2)      They are trained to provide safety and create an environment so every person in the room feels comfortable to honestly tell how they see the situation and feel about being in this difficult situation.

3)      They are trained to see the dysfunctional dynamics in relationships.  They know how to restructure  communication and how to disseminate power among each member of the family. 

4)      They also help in making sure that each one is heard and listened to by the members of the family.  When each one can speak truthfully and be listened to without being criticized and judged, then your family members will begin to feel loved and respected in the family.

Just make sure to follow through on your program.  Often people will see an improvement after 1 or 2 sessions and then decide they do not need to come back.  This is not wise and can sabotage the counseling.  It takes time and discipline to restructure dysfunctional relationships.  Not following through for change because the intensity of the moment has passed is another dysfunctional pattern.  Establishing trust is not easy.  Trust grows when you give your therapist a chance to work with you and faithfully attend your weekly counseling sessions.  Give yourself time to grow and change (at least 12 sessions).  Then reevaluate whether your goals have been met and whether there is further need for  counseling.

To make counseling work for your family, you must define a specific goal what you want to accomplish in your time together. 

Commit to finish the agreed number of sessions (unless you feel that you are not really going anywhere).  Sometimes it takes up to the 3^rd session to have a comprehensive assessment of the situation of your family.  So do not give up right away.  If you do not get what you expected, discuss it with the counselor.  If it is still not achieving your goal by the 6th session, that would be a fair time to decide that this specific counselor may not be the right person for you. 

Do not decide right away to change counselors based on the fact that the counseling is uncomfortable for you.  While you are uncomfortable, it may be helping other family members.  So stick with it for their sake.  Later you will realize that not all pain is harmful.  Some pain and discomfort might be needed to feel better and become a better person – and a better family.

Yes, bringing another person who is neutral and skilled to help provide safety for each of your family members and to allow each person to be honest to each other about what they think and feel about a specific situation or how they feel about being in the family and what they can do to help achieve the goal of the family is very important in changing the family dynamics as well as changing the culture of your home.  Changing is very uncomfortable, so at first you might feel that things are getting worse because you are actually being a lot more truthful to one another.  You may find that there are so many issues that have been hidden, and now each person is bringing what is bothering them into awareness.  But persevering in counseling can bring a real change of lifestyle and family culture that can bring long-term happiness and enjoyment of the relationships.

Emotionally Healthy Marriage Seminar in Singapore - August 26

It is an illusion to think that we can lead a healthy community, organization, or church when we ourselves are unhealthy and our marriages are a wreck. The quality of our marriage greatly impacts the long-term health and success of your organization or church. We can so easily be deceived that short term quantitative growth or the skills and giftedness of our leaders indicate that we have reached success. Even good marriages without intentional bonding can drift away with the busyness of life. Nurturing each other and keeping the passion for each other is vital for the stability of our home, the self-esteem of our children, and the long term success of our community, organization, and churches where we lead.

I am inviting you to attend the Emotionally Healthy Marriage Conference in Singapore on August 26, 2016.  If you are married and having troubles, this will give you some fundamental skills and insights into how the Lord created you as a relational being and what you can do to restore your closeness and communication.  If you have a healthy marriage, then this conference will allow you to deepen and enrich what you already have, thus making a good marriage a great marriage.

My mentors Pastor Pete and Geri Scazzero will be teaching on an Emotionally Healthy Marriage in this conference.  They have authored several books on the subject of being emotionally healthy.  My husband and I will be teaching and coaching together with them.  See the following link for more information:

http://www.livingstreams.org.sg/sac/info/ce/2016_emotionally_healthy_marriage.html


On August 27, there is also a training for leading the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Course in your church

http://www.livingstreams.org.sg/sac/info/ce/2016.html#EHS

Caring for the Anxious Seminar

Do you have people in your life who seem overwhelmed by anxiety or fear?  Is it hard to find ways to help people around you when they are panicky?  Do you experience other people leaning on you more than you want because they struggle with anxiety, fear or nervousness?

Dr. Jiji Harner’s interactive workshop Caring for the Anxious can help.  This will be a half-day training in some of the key psychological and spiritual concepts that can help you help them with a Christian counselor and psychotherapist who has spent more than 10 years treating those struggling with anxiety, panic attacks and phobias.

People around us struggle with anxiety that may present itself as nervousness, panic attacks, clinging relationships, self-doubt, fear.  Sometimes we grow impatient and tired.  And our relationships suffer because we don’t know how to respond to these sorts of behaviors.  This half day training is a place where you can understand their emotional experiences and learn how to care for them in a loving way that leads to emotional health and mature and loving relationships.

When: Saturday March 12 – 8:00 am – 12 noon

at Olive Grove Ctr, Highway Subangdaku, Mandaue (250 m north of Wireless flyover)

REGISTRATION: P200 includes snack and notes

(PreRegister by Thursday March 10  for Discounted price of only P150 )

Dr. Jiji Harner earned her Master's Degree in Counseling in Nyack, NY.  She was practicing as a psychotherapist in the state of New York before returning to the Philippines in 2006 and starting Harner Marriage and Family Counseling Center in Consolacion, Cebu.  She earned her Doctor of Organizational Development and Transformation from Cebu Doctors’ University in 2012.   Jiji (along with her husband Rick) is a missionary with New Life Fellowship (Queens, NY) serving in Cebu

For more information call: 423- 4720 (landline)     0933 010 6704(sun)    0916 746 7715 (globe)

You can Preregister at the Olive Grove Center with Tin-an during normal business hours (Tuesday-Friday)  Text to make sure she is in the office at 0923 694 2495

This Saturday, I will be speaking in this women’s conference that seeks to inspire and empower ladies in Metro Cebu area.

https://www.facebook.com/ColourMeLadiesCon/?fref=nf

CBT Explanation of the Major Cause of Depression

This video you are about to watch is a testimony how David Burns the author of the best-selling book Feeling Good came to realize the importance of training people to stop their distorted thinking in order to feel better. Burns said in his TED talk that as a psychiatrist he was dispensing medication to people with depression, but found many of them still struggling with depression after months of medication. This led him to try Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Later he developed his own manual for people who suffered from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem which became Feeling Good.

Today’s medications for depression have been improved and perhaps are more effective in controlling mood disorders, but as a psychotherapist seeing clients suffering from mood disorders, I agree completely that most people who struggle with depression and anxiety have one thing in common:  Their suffering is not primarily because of a certain event or what people have done to them, but because of how they perceive these people or circumstances. People become depressed from the story they tell themselves about these people or circumstances. They have a hard time thinking about reality without telling themselves these “stories.” No wonder the people who care for them sometimes have difficulty understanding what is happening to them. Their loved ones wonder why they cannot see the reality that there is a way out of their situation.  There is hope, and they have control over their lives.

To be able to get out of depression people need to change the way they think. They need to be able to be aware of their thoughts and identify the type of faulty thinking they are having. Then they must examine the evidence:  Is what they are thinking true? If they are having a hard time doing it by themselves, they might need to seek help from a counsellor who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. Many people believe that the circumstance, other people or something outside of a person produce the reaction or feelings that are labeled depression. CBT teaches that your thoughts produce your mood or your behavior. So changing the type of thoughts you are thinking is the way to change your feelings or behavior and this is a practical and very effective way to deal with what a lot of people experience as depression

Financial Considerations for becoming an OFW

ABS-CBN News Channel (ANC) with guest Susan Ople (President of Blas F. Ople Policy Center and Training Institute) produced this video On the Money: True Cost of Being an OFW to give an understanding of the cost for a Filipino going abroad.  According to Ople, the cause of Filipinos leaving for another country is not poverty but a salary differential.  Applying for a job overseas is a transaction between you and your employer not a favor given by a recruiter.   There is a great deal of fraud by fake agencies and recruiters so it is extremely important to do your research via the internet and asking referrals before paying any money to a “recruiter.”   Not infrequently, OFWs are victims of contract substitution:  meaning that as soon as the OFW arrives in their destination country, the nature of the contracted job and agreed upon salary change.  When this happens the OFW can report the situation to the Philippine Embassy and Philippine Labor.  However there are times when the Philippines government is unable to impose its law on the host country of the OFW. 

 

For those thinking of applying as an OFW, make sure you know:

• the specific nature of the job you are contracting
• how much the salary is
• the conversion rate of your salary into Filipino currency
• when your salary will be paid
• the cost of living (housing, transportation and food costs)
• the distance of travel to your job
• the exact nature of any benefits that are promised 

Here is a summary of the costs* incurred by an OFW:

• Placement fee (Should not exceed 1 month salary as approved by the POEA)
• Mandatory contributions to PAG-IBIG and PhilHealth which are set by law like (P1200 for 2014 and P2400 for next year 2015)
• Cost of Pre-departure Orientation Seminar: P100
• Passport fee: P950
• 2 Years Overseas Workers Welfare Administration (OWWA) membership US$25 (P1100)

*There are countries with hidden costs like Taiwan (requiring a broker’s fee between P60,000-P100,000)

You will be required to present a receipt for all of these expenses to the PHILIPPINE OVERSEAS EMPLOYMENT ADMINISTRATION (POEA) before leaving the Philippines. 

And there are additional expenses: 

• National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) clearance
• Medical clearance
• Airfare
• Accommodation fees from agency while in Manila
• Travel costs to Manila before the international flight

**Domestic workers are exempted from placement fees.  However, there are many schemes created to extract money from domestic workers, like salary deduction so one must be very careful

Once you leave the Philippines you are on your own, so before leaving the Philippines:

1.  Make sure you have at least 3 copies of all your documents.  Keep one copy for yourself in case something will happen with others when you present them to authorities or your boss.
2.  Know the name of the Philippine ambassador, the address of the embassy, hotlines, emails, and websites for those who can help you if you are in need.
3.  Make a strategic plan with your family including your children and set clear goals:

• Know why you want to work overseas and communicate it clearly to your children.
• Clarify expectations and needs with your family and agree upon them together. 

4.  Develop a financial management plan

• Discuss the time table: how long you plan to stay
• Discuss savings and investments plans
• Discuss limits on purchases with your new income that will be much more than you are accustomed to making while in the Philippines
• Discuss how much to spend for priorities and needs.
• Discuss limits on what will be given or lent to friends who come asking for help once you are earning at a much higher rate
• MAKE A WRITTEN BUDGET

***Susan Ople recommends that you do NOT send all of your excess income to your family to protect yourself from severe disappointment when they do not follow through on your agreements

Choosing to work abroad is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your life and it should be made with as much accurate information as possible.  Many Filipinos put all of their hearts into an OFW job only to see their dreams come crashing down into reality because they have not carefully researched and weighed all of the factors that will affect them and their families.  

Psychological Impact of Overseas Filipino Worker on the Filipino Family

This video entitled The Trials and Triumphs of the Children of OFWs portrays the sacrifices of children growing up away from an OFW parent.  A parent going abroad begins with high hopes and dreams of alleviating their poverty and giving their children a better future, but often becomes the very thing that breaks the family apart.  The length of the separation, the confusing change of roles and the pain of loneliness are not compensated by the money being sent by an OFW parent.  To navigate this difficult emotional pain, children of OFWs need to be able to stay focused on the goal for which their parent went abroad and endure a the pain and loneliness, sacrificing their feelings for their family.   

ABS-CBN News of the Philippines produced this TAGALOG video entitled “Tragic OFW stories.”  Kabayan Special Patrol reporter Noli De Castro documents the tragic story of 2 OFWs: Maria Arlene Carbon fell to her death from the 43^rd story of her building in Hong Kong and her employers reported her death as suicide, but her family questions their version of the events. Albert Bautista worked as an engineer in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.  He was killed in an accident, but there are conflicting details in the account of his death and they are still looking for his Filipino who was with him to give his account of the story or to know what happened to him.  OFWs leave the Philippines seeking good paying jobs, but there are hidden dangers and high risks in many of these situations. 

 

http://www.academia.edu/5241905/Overseas_Filipino_Workers_A_Risk_Society_Analysis

The link above is a short paper written by Leo Urrutia that talks about risk analysis for Overseas Filipino Workers (OFW).  The author describes the work of the OFWs as “3D jobs,” meaning dirty, difficult and/or dangerous.  The nature of their work, being out of their country and under the control of their employers makes OFWs quite vulnerable to oppression, abuse, and sometimes even death.  The paper challenges the Filipino notion that the OFW is a hero, and makes the reader wonder if many of them are not victims.