Dear Friends,
I’ve been thinking deeply about your struggle lately. I want you to know I care not just as your company's mental health consultant, counselor, psychologist, but as my friend. You asked me a lot of why's.
- Why do I feel so burned out when all
I’m trying to do is help?
- Why does it feel like I’m the only one
who truly cares—in my team, my family, or my relationship?
- Why does this exhaustion feel heavier
than the situation itself?
I
would say the weight you carry may not just be about what’s happening now.
It may come from something deeper.
✨ Maybe you've never paused to ask:
Where Does This Need to Perform Come
From?
- Is my drive to help rooted in fear?
- Am I afraid that if I don’t step in,
everything will fall apart?
- Am I taking on more than I
should—trying to rescue, control, or fix?
If you’ve ever
felt this way, you’re not alone.
But here’s what
many of us were never told:
You may have been conditioned to believe that love must be earned.
Maybe you grew up
believing that if you were kind enough, selfless enough, or responsible enough,
people would finally accept you. You thought if you kept giving and proving
yourself, you'd eventually be safe and seen.
But performance-based
love is a lie.
It’s a counterfeit affection that leads to burnout, resentment, and silent
shame.
🌱 Here are Tips that Could Help You Break Free from
Performance-Based Love
If
this resonates with you, try these small but powerful steps today:
🔍 Part 1: Notice Your Patterns
When
do you feel the pressure to overgive, overperform, or overexplain? Pause when
you feel that tension in your chest or that sense that you "have to"
prove your worth.
Find time to Reflect and Journal Your Responses:
- When do I feel the strongest pressure
to prove myself or be helpful?
- What emotions come up when I say “no”
or step back?
- What happens in my body when I feel
I’m not doing “enough”?
🔁 Part 2: Interrupt the Cycle
Pick a time today stop
being reactive – pause and remember. Your worth isn’t measured by your output.
Choose one of
the following actions to try today:
- Say “no” kindly, without
overexplaining.
- Allow yourself to do a task just
well enough—not perfectly.
- Let someone else take responsibility,
even if it’s hard.
📝 Write about your experience afterward:
What did I notice
about myself when I let go of the need to overperform?
🧠 Part 3: Identify the Origin
“Who taught me
that love is earned through doing?”
- Was it a parent, a teacher, a
religious environment, a past relationship?
- What specific messages or experiences
shaped that belief?
🗣️ Now speak this truth back to that voice:
“I no longer
believe that I must earn love. I am loved for who I am.”
💬 Part 4: Your Truth Statement
Affirm the truth
that brings peace and health to counter the old script.
Example: “I am lovable even when I am not rescuing others.”
📖 Here is the Truth that Can Set You Free
✨ Complete this sentence and repeat it aloud to yourself daily:
“I am lovable
even when I ____________________.”
(Examples: am not rescuing others, take a break, say no, disappoint
someone.)
💌 Say an Affirmation to Yourself:
I Am Already
Loved
I do not need to
overgive, overperform, or prove my worth.
I am deeply
loved—even when I am resting, setting boundaries, or letting others carry their
own weight.
My value is not in
what I do, but in who I am.
I am safe. I am seen. I am enough.
“Even before my
first breath, I was deeply wanted and wonderfully thought of.”
Zephaniah 3:17
🙏 Try Talking to God
Dear God Who
Created the Universe,
I am worn out. I’ve carried so much hoping that if I just do more, give more, or fix what’s broken, I’ll finally feel loved or safe. But You remind me today: I am already Yours - that I am not valuable because of what I produce, but because of who You created me to be. Teach me to rest in You and to see the truth that You are not playing with my life. I surrender myself and my goals. I surrender the good desires I have and dreams for others and my lovedones. I will step back and let them find you - as I experienced you.
Help me release control, let go of the fear of disappointing others, and believe I am already enough. May I walk today not in pressure, but in peace.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
💌 THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE:
When you are ready
for a session with me just send me a personal message on
Messenger Jiji Harner
Here is more information about my services: https://safeguardmentalhealth.org/
🌿 Remember:
You are not
alone. You are delighted in—not for your performance, but for your presence.
🌿 When stressed out, Pause and Breathe:
You are already enough. You don’t have to earn love by performing. You are safe to rest. You are safe to be real.
