🌿 Self-Care 108: Healing the Inner Critic: Restoring Compassion After Years of Self-Blame – Dr. Jiji Harner

 Dear Friend,

 Trying to move past your past can be very challenging. I hear your struggle as you wage war against the voices that are intrusive in your mind. You asked why it is so hard to turn off these negative thoughts running in your mind: Why is your inner voice so cruel, even when you are trying to do your best? You wonder, where did this self-criticism come from? 

            Many trauma survivors carry an internal voice that’s harsh, demanding, and unforgiving. Your inner critic often echoes the tone of your childhood environments — maybe a critical parent, a shaming teacher, or a moment where you felt you weren’t enough. The inner critic voice was formed not by love but out of fear. Though it now sounds like you, it isn’t the whole truth about you.

Here’s the truth: Your inner critic is not your true voice. It is a survival voice — crafted to help you avoid rejection, punishment, or shame. As a child, when you were hurt and unsupported, our defense mechanism often turn the blame inward. It felt safer to believe "something is wrong with me" than to believe the fault is on someone and have no way to control the terror of those who were supposed to protect you but didn’t.

There is hope: Healing begins when we listen to the inner critic with compassion and not condemnation. Be curious - pause and ask: What pain is this voice trying to protect me from? As you begin to understand the role of this inner critic, you can also begin to make a choice about what to do with this obsolete message being associated with this current moment. I hope this helps.  

                                                                                                    -         Jiji Harner

 💌 THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE:

When you are ready for a session with me

just send me a personal message on Messenger Jiji Harner

Here is more information about my services: https://safeguardmentalhealth.org/

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🛠️ TIPS IN DEALING WITH YOUR INNER CRITIC

1. Call the Inner Voice by It's Name

Give your inner critic a persona or nickname—not to mock it, but to make it external and observable. Example: The Drill Sergeant, The Perfectionist, The Blamer

🗣️ Ask yourself:

• When does this voice show up?
• What tone does it use?
• Whose voice does it sound like?

📝 Write: “My inner critic says ____________.” Example: “You’re a failure. You should’ve done better. You’re falling behind. No one will love you like this.”

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2. Validate the Voice’s Purpose

Say to yourself: “This voice was developed to protect me.”

Try this reframe: “When I was young, this voice tried to keep me safe by making me better, quieter, perfect. It wasn’t cruelty—it was fear trying to shield me from rejection.”

🧠 Try to challenge this erroneous beliefs (e.g., “I must be perfect to be worthy”)
without judging ourselves for believing it it.

💬 “My critic was born in fear, not truth.”

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3. Speak to Yourself with Compassion

Speak gently to the wounded part beneath the critic:

• Say name of the inner critic_______, I know you were trying so hard to be loved. You don’t have to earn your worth anymore. You are loved—even when you rest, even when you fail, even when you’re messy.

👐 Use your non-dominant hand to write a reply from your inner child, responding to your compassion.

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4. Replace Criticism with Truth

Identify a recurring self-judgment and replace it with truth.

Thought	Truth
“I’m such a failure.”	“I had a hard day. I am learning. I am loved regardless.”
“I’ll never be good enough.”	“God formed me in love. His grace fills my gaps.”
“I’m too much / not enough.”	“I am exactly who I need to be to grow into wholeness.”

📖 Meditate on God’s Word:

“There is no condemnation for those in Christ.” —Romans 8:1
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” —Song of Songs 4:7

God doesn’t speak in shame. His voice restores, reaffirms, and renews.

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5. Slow Down - Regulate with the Body

💡 Inner critics often activate fight–freeze states.

Try this: Remind Yourself You are Safe Now

• Place your hand over your heart
• Breathe in for 4, out for 6
• Say slowly: “I am safe. I am seen. I am loved.”

🧘‍♀️ This signals to the amygdala that it doesn’t need to fight you—you are not a threat.

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🌼 Be Friend Yourself:

You are not the cruel things your mind says over and over again. You are not the echo of a voice that made love conditional. That voice was shaped by pain, but right now you are choosing to reshape it by love.

💗 The inner critic was a shield—but you don’t need armor anymore. You are safe enough now to speak kindly to yourself.

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📝 Journal: Find Some Time to Capture Your Thoughts

 

💬 Step 1: What does my critic say?

“My critic tells me _______________________.”

 

🧠 Step 2: What is it trying to protect me from?

“It says this because it’s afraid that _____________________.”

 

💛 Step 3: What would compassion say instead?

Rewrite the statement with gentleness and truth.

“I’m not ____________. I am ____________.”

Example:
“I’m not a failure. I’m growing through hard things with courage.”

 

🙌 Step 4: What truth will I speak today?

☐ I am already loved—even when imperfect
☐ I’m not behind; I’m on my journey
☐ My worth is not performance-based
☐ I forgive myself for being hard on me
☐ I speak to myself the way God speaks to me: with grace

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💌 Affirmation: I Am Not My Inner Critic

I am not what the inner critic says. I am not condemned. I am forgiven. I turned off the voice that once shamed me into silence. I am not a problem to fix—I have been redeemed. I was created to love and be loved. I was never meant to be perfect. I am good enough, I am unique, and I am loved and able to love.

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🙏 Try Talking to God

God Who Created the Universe,

Sometimes I confuse Your voice with the one in my head. The one that criticizes, condemns, and never lets me rest. But You are not that voice. You are the still, soft whisper of grace that assures me - that you will never leave me. You are close as the air I breathe. Teach me to speak to myself the way You do— Not with shame, but with tenderness. Not with fear, but with faith. Not with blame, but with blessing. Quiet the critic, God. And let me hear your voice of truth calling me your beloved. Let me walk in the dignity you bestowed on me. Let me claim the purpose for which you have created me to be. 

                        Amen.

🌿 Self-Care 107: You Are Not Your Trauma Response: Healing the Confusion Between Survival and Identity - By Dr. Jiji Harner

 Dear Friend,

Overwhelmed by anger, fear, shame, and guilt from arguments you never meant to have, from running away even when your heart wanted to stay, from jealousy that left you anxious and paranoid, and from the insecurity that keeps you trapped in cycles of pain and abuse.  Lately, you’ve been asking me questions — Why do you react this way? Why does peace feel so distant? Is healing even possible? 

I want to share this with you, and I hope it brings some light. First, let me say this clearly: You are not your trauma response. You are not your shutdown, your people-pleasing, your anger, or your overthinking. These were survival strategies—an intelligent, instinctive way you need when other coping mechanisms are not possible. You've learned that this was the only thing - to stay safe when safety was not guaranteed. It makes perfect sense if you think of how much you have to adapted to people and your environment in order to survive. You’ve successfully coped with the challenges you’ve faced at that time. This is a new season - a new growth challenge, you’re being invited to face life without the shield that you used to protect yourself —not to minimize the past or erase your memory of that painful past, but to reclaim your present and realize you are in a season of life.

Remember this: You are allowed to pause before reacting. You are allowed to feel without fixing. You are allowed to grow into a life not built around fear, but trust. This will take time—and grace. But every small step toward wholeness matters. You are not beyond repair in fact - you are becoming even more amazing.

Sometimes we mistake our trauma responses for our personality. Do you shut down emotionally when things get hard? Do you over-apologize, overachieve, or over-care to stay safe? Do you withdraw, lash out, or go silent? These immature responses are not who you are. You can change it. You can learn a new strategy that is appropriate to the current situation. You see, we all develop attachment strategies to secure connection. Even our most problematic patterns are really “protests” against disconnection. You are not bad. You were simply trying to stay connected to stay alive - the only way you knew how.

Let go of these immature and obsolete ways of protecting or defending yourself from possible rejection and loss. Look, you are here now - with so much to offer, but you don't see it because your need for security still overwhelms you. Stop these habits of thinking and behaving - try incorporating the truth that you are safe, loved, wanted, and belong. Get out of the mindset that others should change first. Begin the change you are looking for within you. 

                                                                           -  Jiji Harner

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💌 THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE:

When you are ready for a session with me

just send me a personal message on Messenger Jiji Harner

Here is more information about my services: https://safeguardmentalhealth.org/

 

                                                                       Photo by Rejen Bosquit

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🛠️ TIPS FOR UNTANGLING YOUR IDENTITY FROM YOUR COPING

1. Recognize the Strategy: Start by naming what you do when you feel unsafe or disconnected:

• Do you fawn to prevent rejection?
• Do you shut down to avoid more hurt?
• Do you overperform to earn belonging? 

🎯 All behavior is purposeful—it is an attempt to meet one of five needs: love, belonging, power, freedom, or fun.

📝 For me I would say: “When I feel nervous, I tend to laugh”

           Try Yours: “When I feel unsafe, I tend to ___________.”

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2. Validate the Strategy

        Say to yourself: “Cleaning the entire house helped me survive the anger of my mom. It made sense back then.”

        This time, try to challenge your irrational beliefs without shaming the behavior. Instead of blaming yourself, validate the function of your response.

💬 “I wasn’t weak to be the only one who had to do the cleaning—I was wise to find a way to cope.”

Try challenging your irrational belief: Example: “I missed out on many good things in life because my father was too strict, though I might have been deprived of having fun, but I also have gained many great skills that made me more resilient. I was able to find ways, then I can find a new way to face my challenges now.”

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3. Analyze: Separate Identity from Strategy

     Write this statement: “I am not ___. I did ___ to feel safe.” 

         "I am not a hot-tempered person. I did the lashing out to feel safe."
     Examples:

• “I am not cold. I shut down because it wasn’t safe to express.”
• “I am not needy. I sought closeness because I feared abandonment.”
• “I am not fake. I people-pleased to stay emotionally safe.”

      This untangles your identity from your adaptation.

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4. Stop the Habit: Slowdown Your Response and Choose Alternative Safe Behaviors

Try to pause, breathe, or reach for a safe connection instead of reacting out of reflex or fight or flight response.

Try this simple 3-step "Attachment Pause":

1. Name what you're feeling (fear, tension, grief). Example: Fear: I think you are disrespecting me... I am afraid everyone will not respect me. 
2. Breathe slowly (4 in, 6 out)
3. Ask: “What do I really need right now?” (Comfort? Space? Assurance?) Example: I need comfort and assurance that even amid this argument, I know you still love me. 

Remember:  We are always choosing. Today, choose to be present, remind yourself that you have the power to choose your outcome, instead of protecting yourself from whatever you are afraid of.

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🌼 Befriend Yourself

              You are not your fear. You are not your anger. You are not your shutdown. You are not your overthinking. You are resilient and brave. You found ways to survive when you weren’t seen, held, or heard. These old ways of behaving and responding were the best coping strategies you had. The situation has changed now. It’s like using the same shoes when your feet have grown bigger. You are growing and adapting your choice of coping then, may not be the best stop guilt tripping yourself. Look how able and resourceful you are in facing your challenges. Even your “maladaptive” responses speak to how fiercely you tried to protect yourself. It is okay - you have survived. You are safe enough to choose differently— you’re ready to heal and embrace the purpose why you are in such a time as this. Stand up - embrace the calling. Face your fear - kaya mo yan. You have so many cheering for you. I am cheering for you. Go know and love yourself - as your gift to the one who truly loves you - God.

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📖 Scripture of Loving Identity

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

— Psalm 34:18

God sees beyond your patterns. He sees the real you—whole, beloved, and being restored.

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📝 JOURNAL YOUR RESPONSE:

💥 Step 1: My Default Strategy

       “When I feel unsafe, I tend to ____________.”

        Examples: withdraw, overwork, overthink, fawn, become defensive, numb out, or anger

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💛 Step 2: Validation Statement

       “This helped me survive when ____________________.”
       “I developed this strategy because ____________________.”

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🧠 Step 3: Separate Identity

       Write 2 statements:

• “I am not __________. I did __________ to feel safe.”
• “Now, I choose __________ instead.”

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🔄 Step 4: Practice the New Response

      What alternative will you try today?

☐ Pause before reacting

☐ Express a need gently

☐ Stay emotionally present

☐ Ask: “What do I need?”

☐ Ground myself before deciding

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💌 DECLARATION: I Am Not My Trauma Response

            I have learned ways to survive, today, I chose to unlearn those ways that are no longer bring good to me. Because they were my obsolete strategy. I am not the coping strategy I used to survive. I can stop and think. As I pause, breathe, and I can choose to respond differently now. I am honoring the strength that kept me alive. I now embrace the freedom to be real, not just protected, but to feel and know what it means to be alive.

           “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” – Psalm 34:18

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🙏 Try Talking to God:

God of the Universe,

             I come with my hands open, letting go of the shackles that enslaved me—old ways and habits that are no longer helpful to me. Sometimes, I don’t know where my patterns end and I begin. But You do. You see past my reactions, my shutdowns, my defenses—and You still call me beloved.

Thank You for the ways I survived. Thank You that I no longer have to live in survival mode. Give me the courage to choose differently. To speak honestly. To stay present. To be more me, and less of what I thought I had to be.

I am leaving these things behind and pressing on toward the goal of living out the call I have in this world—fully and freely.

Amen.

Selfcare 106: When the Diagnosis Isn’t Clear: Understanding My Adult Child’s Struggles With Autism or a Personality Disorder

Dear Friend,

I hear the questions weighing on your heart — the quiet confusion, the worry that doesn’t go away, and the ache of not knowing what your child is really going through.
Maybe you've recently heard the word autism spoken by a professional or whispered it in your own thoughts. And maybe you’re thinking, this doesn’t quite fit. I’ve always wondered if it was something else… maybe a personality disorder?

You’re not alone in wondering. It’s a tender and deeply personal question:
Could it be Autism Spectrum Disorder — or is it really something else? Maybe something harder, more complicated, like a personality disorder? Or could it even be both?

These questions are not only valid — they’re courageous. They show how deeply you care and how much you want to understand the real experience of your loved one. It’s not about labels. It’s about wanting to see clearly — so you can love more clearly, too.

Let me gently say this: the differences between Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and certain personality disorders can be incredibly nuanced. There can be overlapping traits — emotional detachment, social difficulties, rigid thinking, or struggles with empathy and connection. But the roots are often different, and understanding those roots can help you respond with more precision, more grace, and the right kind of support.

ASD is about how a person’s brain is wired from the start. It's not a flaw — it's a different operating system. A person with ASD may struggle to intuit social rules, read between the lines, or respond in expected emotional ways. But this isn’t a sign of emotional brokenness — it’s a different way of processing the world.

Personality disorders, on the other hand, often emerge from complex life experiences, sometimes as coping strategies shaped by trauma, unmet needs, or long-standing relational patterns. They’re not chosen, but they often reflect deep emotional pain that comes out in patterns of behavior over time.

Could there be overlap? Yes. Could someone have both? It’s possible. But more than anything, what matters most is not just what we call it, but how we show up in response.

A diagnosis — whether ASD, a personality disorder, or both — is not a definition of your child’s worth. It’s a lens. And the clearer that lens, the more compassion, clarity, and direction it can give us. It helps us understand not what’s “wrong” — but what kind of environment, support, and relationship will help your child thrive.

You don’t have to figure it all out today. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Your willingness to ask hard questions is a powerful act of love. Your openness is the beginning of wisdom. And your care — even in uncertainty — is a steady light for your child.

Let’s walk this road together — one layer at a time, one insight at a time. There is clarity ahead, and there is hope. 

💌 THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE:

When you are ready for a session with me

just send me a personal message on Messenger: Jiji Harner

Here is more information about my services: https://safeguardmentalhealth.org/

                                                            Photo by Rejen Bosquite

Some or many of the personality traits or disorders you're describing — Schizotypal, Borderline, Schizoid, Avoidant, Passive-Aggressive, and Depressive — may overlap with or be misdiagnosed in the presence of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Level 1, especially in adults or in late-diagnosed individuals.

Sometimes the personality disorder presentation may reflect an underlying or misrecognized Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1, particularly if the individual has a longstanding pattern of social and emotional difficulties starting in childhood.

If you're working with or caring for someone in this situation, an accurate diagnosis could significantly shift the treatment focus and improve outcomes.

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Key Points to Consider:

1. Symptom Overlap Between ASD and Personality Disorders:

• ASD Level 1 (formerly Asperger’s) includes:
• Social difficulties
• Rigid thinking
• Unusual interests or behaviors
• Emotional dysregulation (less common but possible)

 

• Schizotypal Personality Disorder includes:
• Odd beliefs and behaviors
• Paranoia or suspiciousness
• Social anxiety and detachment

 

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) includes:
• Instability in emotions and relationships
• Fear of abandonment
• Impulsivity
• Identity disturbance

 

• Schizoid Personality Traits

• Emotional detachment: Little or no interest in social relationships, including family
• Preference for solitude: Chooses solitary activities; rarely seeks or enjoys close relationships
• Limited emotional expression: Appears indifferent to praise or criticism; emotionally cold or flat.
• Lack of desire for intimacy: Minimal interest in sexual or close interpersonal experiences

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2. Avoidant Personality Traits

o   Social inhibition: Avoids social interactions due to fear of rejection or criticism.

o   Feelings of inadequacy: Chronic self-doubt and low self-esteem.

o   Hypersensitivity to negative evaluation: Very sensitive to others' opinions and rejection.

o   Reluctance to take risks: Avoids new activities or people due to fear of embarrassment

 

• Schizoid, Avoidant, Depressive, and Passive-Aggressive Traits also reflect issues with:
• Social withdrawal or inhibition
• Negative affectivity or emotional pain
• Resistance to authority or demands (in passive-aggressive) 

⚠️ Many of these features can be seen in someone with ASD, particularly if they’ve experienced chronic invalidation, bullying, trauma, or misunderstood social development.

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2. Misdiagnosis Risk:

• Adults with ASD often go undiagnosed or are misdiagnosed as having personality disorders, especially if their developmental history wasn't well understood.
• For example:
• Social communication difficulties in ASD can resemble Schizoid or Avoidant traits.
• Emotional dysregulation and meltdowns in ASD might be mistaken for Borderline traits.
• Unusual thinking patterns may resemble Schizotypal features.

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3. Co-occurrence is also Possible:

• ASD and personality disorders can co-occur. For example, someone with ASD may also develop Borderline Personality Disorder due to chronic emotional invalidation or trauma.
• However, many personality traits may soften or shift once ASD is identified and better understood, especially with appropriate support.

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Clinical Recommendation:

To clarify the picture:

• A comprehensive neurodevelopmental and psychiatric assessment is ideal.
• Include developmental history, school records, family interviews, and standardized tools like the ADOS-2 or RAADS-R for autism.
• Evaluate for trauma and attachment-related issues, which can influence both ASD and personality dynamics.

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🔍 Differential Diagnosis Chart: ASD vs. Personality Disorders

Domain	Autism Spectrum Disorder (Level 1)	Personality Disorders (PDs)
Onset	Early childhood (even if not diagnosed until later)	Usually adolescence or early adulthood
Social Communication	Difficulty with social reciprocity, reading social cues; literal thinking	Can include interpersonal dysfunction, but often with emotional volatility or detachment depending on PD type
Relationships	Struggles to initiate/maintain relationships; often desires connection but lacks skill	BPD: intense/unstable Schizoid: indifferent Avoidant: desires connection but fears rejection
Emotional Regulation	May have meltdowns or shutdowns; difficulty naming or processing emotions (alexithymia)	BPD: affective instability, rage Depressive PD: chronic sadness Passive-aggressive: indirect resistance
Theory of Mind (understanding others' mental states)	Often impaired	Usually intact (though it can vary in BPD or Schizotypal)
Cognitive Patterns	Rigid thinking, need for sameness, intense interests	Schizotypal: magical or paranoid thinking Depressive: negative self-schema
Sensory Issues	Common (hypo/hyper-sensitivities to sound, light, texture, etc.)	Rare or absent in PDs
Empathy	Cognitive empathy may be impaired; emotional empathy often intact	BPD: high emotional empathy Schizoid: low empathy Others vary
Self-Image	Confusion due to neurodivergence; may mask to fit in	BPD: unstable identity Depressive: chronic low self-worth
Interests / Routines	Intense focus on specific interests; adherence to routines	Usually not present; PDs more focused on interpersonal/emotional patterns
Response to Structure	Improves with clear structure, routine, and predictability	Mixed; BPD may react with impulsivity, Schizoid may not care, Avoidant may need gentle encouragement
Developmental History	Social and sensory differences since early life; possible academic/peer difficulties	Often no clear developmental delays, but may have trauma or attachment disruptions

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🔎 Targeted Assessment Questions

Here are the areas needed for you to consider:

🧠 Developmental History

• Did you struggle with making friends or understanding others as a child?
• Were there specific routines or rituals you strongly preferred?
• Any early fixations or intense interests?

 

🗣️ Social Interaction

• Do you find small talk confusing or exhausting?
• Do people misunderstand your tone, facial expressions, or body language?
• Have you been told you seem “too blunt” or “robotic”?

 

💥 Emotional Regulation

• When upset, do you shut down, become overwhelmed, or feel physically uncomfortable?
• Do you have trouble identifying or describing your emotions?

 

🧩 Rigid Thinking or Interests

• Do you find it hard to adapt when plans change?
• Are there subjects or hobbies you can talk about for hours, even if others aren’t interested?

 

🧍 Personality Disorder Indicators

• Do you feel extreme fear of abandonment (BPD)?
• Do you tend to sabotage relationships without knowing why?
• Do you believe others are out to get you or that you have special powers (Schizotypal)?
• Do you avoid others because you’re afraid of being judged (Avoidant)?

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🛠️ Clinical Tools (for clinicians or referrals)

• ADOS-2 (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule)
• RAADS-R (Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale – Revised)
• SCID-5-PD (Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-5 Personality Disorders)
• EQ & SQ-R (Empathy and Systemizing Quotients)

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✅ Summary

When ASD Level 1 is misdiagnosed or overlaps with personality pathology, it’s often because:

• Emotional dysregulation is mistaken for BPD
• Social detachment is mistaken for Schizoid
• Odd beliefs or behaviors are mistaken for Schizotypal
• Social inhibition is mistaken for Avoidant
• Chronic invalidation creates secondary traits like depressive or passive-aggressive features

But ASD usually has earlier onset, sensory issues, cognitive rigidity, and a different flavor of social difficulty than most personality disorders.