Dear Friend,
Overwhelmed by anger, fear, shame, and guilt from arguments you never meant to have, from running away even when your heart wanted to stay, from jealousy that left you anxious and paranoid, and from the insecurity that keeps you trapped in cycles of pain and abuse. Lately, you’ve been asking me questions — Why do you react this way? Why does peace feel so distant? Is healing even possible?
I want to share this with you, and I hope it brings
some light. First, let me say this clearly: You
are not your trauma response. You are not your shutdown, your people-pleasing,
your anger, or your overthinking. These were survival strategies—an intelligent,
instinctive way you need when other coping mechanisms are not possible. You've learned that this was the only thing - to stay safe when safety was not guaranteed. It
makes perfect sense if you think of how much you have to adapted to people and
your environment in order to survive. You’ve successfully coped with the
challenges you’ve faced at that time. This is a new season - a new growth challenge,
you’re being invited to face life without the shield that you used to protect
yourself —not to minimize the past or erase your memory of that painful past,
but to reclaim your present and realize you are in a season of life.
Remember this: You are allowed
to pause before reacting. You are allowed to feel without fixing. You are
allowed to grow into a life not built around fear, but trust. This will take
time—and grace. But every small step toward wholeness matters. You are not
beyond repair in fact - you are becoming even more amazing.
Sometimes we mistake our trauma
responses for our personality. Do you shut down emotionally when things get
hard? Do you over-apologize, overachieve, or over-care to stay safe? Do you
withdraw, lash out, or go silent? These immature responses are not who you are. You can change it. You can learn a new strategy that is appropriate to the current situation. You see, we all develop attachment
strategies to secure connection. Even our most problematic patterns are really
“protests” against disconnection. You are not bad. You were simply trying to
stay connected to stay alive - the only way you knew how.
Let go of these immature and obsolete ways of protecting or defending yourself from possible rejection and loss. Look, you are here now - with so much to offer, but you don't see it because your need for security still overwhelms you. Stop these habits of thinking and behaving - try incorporating the truth that you are safe, loved, wanted, and belong. Get out of the mindset that others should change first. Begin the change you are looking for within you.
- Jiji Harner
💌 THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE:
When
you are ready for a session with me
just
send me a personal message on Messenger Jiji Harner
Here
is more information about my services: https://safeguardmentalhealth.org/
Photo by Rejen Bosquit
🛠️ TIPS FOR UNTANGLING YOUR IDENTITY FROM YOUR COPING
1. Recognize the Strategy: Start by naming what you
do when you feel unsafe or disconnected:
- Do you fawn
to prevent rejection?
- Do you shut
down to avoid more hurt?
- Do you overperform
to earn belonging?
🎯 All behavior is
purposeful—it is an attempt to meet one of five needs: love, belonging, power,
freedom, or fun.
📝 For me I would say: “When I feel nervous,
I tend to laugh”
Try Yours: “When
I feel unsafe, I tend to ___________.”
2. Validate the Strategy
Say to yourself: “Cleaning the entire house helped me survive the anger of my mom. It made sense back
then.”
This time, try to challenge your irrational beliefs without
shaming the behavior. Instead of blaming yourself, validate the function
of your response.
💬 “I wasn’t weak to be the only one who had to do the cleaning—I was
wise to find a way to cope.”
Try challenging your irrational belief: Example: “I
missed out on many good things in life because my father was too strict, though I
might have been deprived of having fun, but I also have gained many great skills that made me more
resilient. I was able to find ways, then I can find a new way to face my challenges now.”
3. Analyze: Separate Identity from Strategy
Write this statement: “I am not ___. I did ___ to feel
safe.”
"I am not a hot-tempered person. I did the lashing out to feel safe."
Examples:
- “I am not
cold. I shut down because it wasn’t safe to express.”
- “I am not
needy. I sought closeness because I feared abandonment.”
- “I am not
fake. I people-pleased to stay emotionally safe.”
This untangles your identity from your adaptation.
4. Stop the Habit: Slowdown Your Response and Choose Alternative Safe Behaviors
Try to pause, breathe, or reach for a safe connection instead
of reacting out of reflex or fight or flight response.
Try this simple 3-step "Attachment Pause":
- Name what
you're feeling (fear, tension, grief). Example: Fear: I think you are disrespecting me... I am afraid everyone will not respect me.
- Breathe
slowly (4 in, 6 out)
- Ask: “What
do I really need right now?” (Comfort? Space? Assurance?) Example: I need comfort and assurance that even amid this argument, I know you still love me.
Remember: We are always choosing. Today, choose to be present, remind yourself that you have the power to choose your outcome, instead of protecting yourself from whatever you are afraid of.
🌼 Befriend Yourself
You are not your fear. You are not your anger. You are
not your shutdown. You are not your overthinking. You are resilient and brave. You found ways to survive when you weren’t seen, held, or
heard. These old ways of behaving and responding were the best coping
strategies you had. The situation has changed now. It’s like using the same shoes when your feet have grown
bigger. You are growing and adapting your choice of coping then, may not be the best stop guilt tripping yourself. Look how able and resourceful you are in facing your challenges. Even
your “maladaptive” responses speak to how fiercely you tried to protect
yourself. It is okay - you have survived. You are safe enough to choose differently— you’re ready to heal and embrace the purpose why you are in such a time as this. Stand up - embrace the calling. Face your fear - kaya mo yan. You have so many cheering for you. I am cheering for you. Go know and love yourself - as your gift to the one who truly loves you - God.
📖 Scripture of Loving
Identity
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those
who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18
God sees beyond your patterns. He sees the real you—whole,
beloved, and being restored.
📝 JOURNAL YOUR RESPONSE:
💥 Step 1: My Default
Strategy
“When I feel unsafe, I tend to ____________.”
Examples: withdraw, overwork, overthink, fawn, become
defensive, numb out, or anger
💛 Step 2: Validation
Statement
“This helped me survive when ____________________.”
“I developed this strategy because ____________________.”
🧠
Step 3: Separate Identity
Write 2
statements:
- “I am not __________. I did
__________ to feel safe.”
- “Now, I choose __________
instead.”
🔄 Step 4: Practice the
New Response
What alternative will you try today?
☐ Pause before
reacting
☐ Express a need
gently
☐ Stay emotionally
present
☐ Ask: “What do I
need?”
☐ Ground myself before
deciding
💌 DECLARATION: I Am Not
My Trauma Response
I have learned ways to survive,
today, I chose to unlearn those ways that are no longer bring good to me.
Because they were my obsolete strategy. I am not the coping strategy I used to
survive. I can stop and think. As I pause, breathe, and I can choose to respond
differently now. I am honoring the strength that kept me alive. I now embrace
the freedom to be real, not just protected, but to feel and know what it means
to be alive.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” – Psalm 34:18
🙏 Try Talking to God:
God of the Universe,
I come with my hands open, letting go of the shackles
that enslaved me—old ways and habits that are no longer helpful to me.
Sometimes, I don’t know where my patterns end and I begin. But You do. You see
past my reactions, my shutdowns, my defenses—and You still call me beloved.
Thank You for the ways I survived. Thank You that I no
longer have to live in survival mode. Give me the courage to choose
differently. To speak honestly. To stay present. To be more me, and less of
what I thought I had to be.
I am leaving these things behind and pressing on toward
the goal of living out the call I have in this world—fully and freely.
Amen.
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