Dear Friends,
I've been thinking deeply about your struggles, and I hope this provides some answers to the questions you’ve asked me lately.
· Why do I end up engaging in a fight when I have no intention to fight at all? Or I feel overwhelmed, as if my only option is to get angry?
· How can I control myself when I feel like the only way to protect what matters is to get angry?
· · What can I do to regulate myself when I get so irritable with minor things that it can set me off on fire?
Anger is a
normal reaction when you feel violated or want to prevent or stop something bad from happening. Anger is often a secondary emotion—underneath it might be sadness,
fear, disappointment, grief, jealousy, guilt, or shame or triggering a traumatic past. Sometimes we might have grown up in a home where we learned such
behavior, or our only way to get heard is through our anger. When you are
upset, it is often fueled by wrong beliefs and you obsess on it; rationalizing
and overthinking becomes a survival strategy. It’s how your mind tries to
prevent chaos, control outcomes, and protect people. But this pressure can wear
you down, and the process outweighs the outcome.
But here's the truth:
Overthinking won’t give you peace. Control won’t make you feel safe. And
anger—though it feels powerful—often leaves you exhausted and alone.
Read below for ways to gently walk back from this spiral and return to your
center.
🔍 May be you’ve never pause and ask:
What’s Underneath the Overthinking and Anger?
ü Fear that if you don't act, everything will fall apart
ü Responsibility for others’ choices
ü Disappointment when people don’t listen or change
ü Shame about how your anger affects those you love
ü Anxiety that spirals when you feel helpless
You’re not “too much.” You’re overwhelmed and trying to survive.
💌 THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE:
When you are ready for a session with me, just send me a personal message on Messenger: Jiji Harner
Here is more information about my services: https://safeguardmentalhealth.org/
🌱 Here are Tips I Recommend When Feeling Overwhelmed with Anger and Stop Ruminating and Giving in to the Downward Negative Spiral of Overthinking.
If this resonates with you, try these small but powerful
steps today:
🔍 Part 1.
Catch Your Automatic Thoughts – See How It Spirals Down
When the pressure builds and anger rises, pause and ask yourself these
questions:
- Trigger:
What triggered this strong emotion or reaction?
- Identify
Core Belief: What did you think or tell
yourself?
Example: “If I don’t get angry, nothing will change.” - Notice
the Consequence of This Thought: What did you feel or do?
Example: Anger, anxiety, helplessness, lashing out, withdrawing, or ruminating and being unable to let go. - What
Type of Faulty Thinking Are You Having?
Catastrophizing? Black-and-white thinking? Responsibility fallacy? - Create
Other Alternative Thoughts: What could be a healthier and more
realistic belief or thought?
Example: “I care deeply—but not everything is mine to fix. Even though I cannot fix everything, I have many things I CAN DO to help this situation – I WILL DO THAT INSTEAD.” - Calm Yourself Down (e.g., breathwork, take a break from the situation for a few minutes – go drink some water, spend time reflecting and journaling your feelings, listen to music, go for a walk, or talk to someone about an exciting part of your life, or do a gratitude journal.)
✏️ Part 2: Interrupt the
Negative Spiral of Your Emotion:
Try this:
- Automatic
Thought: “If I don’t get angry, nothing will change.”
- Try
to Find a More Realistic Thought: ________________
Example:
Automatic Thought: “If I don’t make them do the right
thing, they’ll ruin everything.”
Try to Find a More Realistic Thought: “They are responsible
for their choices. I can lead with calm, not force.”
- Assess:
List as your weigh the longterm outcome if you don’t regulate your emotion?
______________________________
- Do
Something: How could I handle this situation better in this moment
without waiting on others to make the first move? What can I do now to
feel calmer? _______________________________
📝 Write
About Your Experience Afterward:
🧠 Part 3. When Overthinking Continues and Rumination Becomes Out of Control – Do a Reality Check:
Ask yourself gently:
1. Is this a simple inconvenience or a crisis that I have to react strongly to stop right now?
2. Is it the right time to address it, or can it wait?
3. Does the offense warrant my reaction or emotion?
4. Does the outcome of my nagging, lashing out, silence, withholding affection, cutting off people, bantering, or fighting back outweigh my motive behind this reaction?
5. What is in my control to make this matter beneficial for growth?
🗣️ Now speak this to
yourself:
“I can care without
controlling. I can express without exploding. I can let go and still love well,
and will set an appointment to address this when I am more calm and clear and
can be respectful when I don’t get what I want.”
💬 Part 4: Renew Your
Mind: Replace the Inner Script
ü
“I don’t need to express anger
in my behavior to be heard. I need to acknowledge my anger and process it to
stay whole and create an impact on the person or situation I desire to change.”
ü
“Disappointment is real—but I
can face it without falling apart and creating chaos for everyone around me.”
🌿 Try This Renewing Your Mind Practice:
1. Notice the old script: “I have to force it or it’ll fail.”
2. Name the new one: “I am not fighting for a life-and-death situation; I express it calmly and clearly or negotiate my expectations.”
3. Make a Commitment: Say it aloud – and write it 3x:
Example: “I am not fighting for a life-and-death situation; I express it calmly and clearly or negotiate my expectations.”
4. Nourish it: Pause and inhale/exhale calmly while putting your hand on your heart.
🌼 Part 5: Find a Place to Calm
Yourself Down: Be a Friend to Yourself
This is how I would say it to myself:
“You’ve been carrying so
much. You are trying so hard to hold things together or keep things right that
you forgot your heart needs holding, too. You are fine to be upset—it is a
normal emotion. But it is not fine to act impulsively and carelessly harm the
growth you have tended for a long time.
Anger, overthinking, and the
compulsion to act on this matter are so loud because they’re trying to protect
something sacred. But it doesn’t have to be your only option to impact this
situation. Yes, we need to stop immaturity, stop pretending, stop pain, stop
something to make way for something better—but it will require careful
planning, prayer, and negotiating. There’s power in peace. There’s clarity in
calm. And there’s wisdom in letting go of what’s not yours to control.”
Do the inner work first: Is there someone you
can talk to this time who can help you hold your heart and mind together and
process this overwhelming reaction without talking to the person you are
bothered by?
The only thing you have direct control
over this time is yourself and the story you tell yourself about the situation.
Face yourself. Accept that even though you feel this way, there are many things
that are great about you and awesome things you are doing and achieving—you are
fine, just struggling at this moment— you are on the process of changing it and
make it healthy – this emotion will soon fade pause and think twice.
📖 Part 6: Meditate on a Scripture of Hope
& Stability
“You will keep in perfect peace those
whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You.” — Isaiah 26:3
Peace is not the result of control. It’s the fruit of
surrendering to the one who can carry your heart’s desire and has a beautiful
plan for you. You can trust the One who sees what you can’t.
📝 Part 7: Journal
1. Catch the Negative Thought Spiral:
Examples: Rewrite the Inner Script
q “Even if I don’t fix this, I am not failing.”
q “I am grounded, and their choices are not mine to control.”
Now rewrite your own Inner Script:
3. Do something to create clarity inside you: do something to shift focus, something relaxing or fun, practice mindfulness, or pray. ____________________________
4. What I am beginning to realize about my emotional reaction is...
💌 Part 8: My Declaration
I
Am Grounded in Love, Not Driven by Fear
I don’t need anger
to make an impact. I can pause without losing power. I can trust even when I
feel let down. God is with me now—in this breath, in this boundary, in this
moment.
🙏 Try Talking to God
Dear God Who Created the Universe,
This anger raging inside me is hard to control. The overthinking and ruminating are overwhelming. I can’t seem to control myself. My body feels like I am about to explode. You see the fire in my chest, the swirl in my thoughts. You know how badly I want things to be right. I feel that I need to change the situation or the person I am annoyed or enraged at so I can feel better. Take away the faulty thinking that others must change first so I can feel safe, better, and happier.
Thank you for reminding me
that this feeling will soon pass if I give myself the chance to change first
and entrust this matter into your hands. Allow me to calm down, because
sometimes, my anger speaks before my heart can breathe. Quiet the storm inside
me. Help me pause instead of push. To be still before You and trust You instead
of fix. Let me release what’s not mine to control. Protect the people around me
from the collateral damage of my anger, fear, or anxiety. Restrain my body and
tongue from setting things on fire. Remind me that You are present and You are
working even when I step back.
I choose to anchor myself in
your sovereignty and love, not fear. I am choosing to think of the many things
I can be grateful for, not panic. To react with compassion and not gaslight. To
engage and speak appropriately and wisely. Right now, I surrender this control
and compulsion of my anger and fear and rest on the promise “that all things
work together for good to them who love God” – Romans 8:28.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
